Journal Prompt Answers by *L.V.M.*

 Who makes you feel loved and why?

"My sister because she always tries to make my birthday nice. My best friend because she always remembers to text me and keep me included. My baby boy because he always has a smile for me and gives great hugs. My oldest baby because they are so clever and creative and include me on the way their mind works."

Do you remember much of your past? Why do you think that is?

"I remember bits and pieces. The day-to-day parts blur together and I forget a lot of things until someone reminds me. Probably because they're boring and can't hold my attention."

What does it mean to be a good friend? What type of friend are you?

"Honesty and loyalty are necessary for a good friend. I'm always there to motivate, support, listen, and lift up my friends. I say what I think and do my best to help with problems. Lies are too much drama. My circle of friends know they can trust and rely on me. I can be fun and serious (simultaneously or not) depending on what the situation requires."

*TW!* Sensitive Content ((Poetry))

 #FREE K3$HA: BY VailByNature*

If he wasn't in power,

if the judge didn't wanna be out in the how,

maybe if they knew what we'd been through

they wouldn't do this to you. 

Maybe if he gave a damn

about more than what's in his pants

he wouldn't put you through hell.

Time will never tell.

If he was a woman

instead of a so-called man,

he'd be in jail - it's a fact.

But that "Y" forces you to keep to your contract.

Sad to say this is the normal;

no one stands up against evil.

If your genitalia's external

it's just too easy to destroy the soul.

Women everywhere, we need to take a stand;

we need to stick to our demands.

Destroy this misogynistic bullshit society -

It's passed time to set the Victims FREE...

*Pseudonym*

"Secrets I Hide" (Poetry)

 Floating and I can't come down.

Smiling to hide my frown.

A control freak losing hold of my tether. 

Waiting for the sun to shine down in stormy weather. 

Losing all my feathers as I fly,

drowning the world as a I cry.

Twisted up in the possibilities

as I lose touch with multiple realities.

Rocking side to side, 

lost in a train of thoughts.

These feelings are bona fide. 

In a web of them, I'm caught. 

Like my body and mind

speaking different languages and can't communicate.

Hoping to soon find

help with this string of Fate. 

Earthquake of emotions bringing me down.

Waterfalls of ideas but I don't make a sound.

As I swipe away these tears I've cried,

I remember these are just the secrets I hide...

~A.~

Carousel of Dismissals {Submitted by *A.B.M.*}

Feeling Dismissed

Today was a long day. I didn't get to sleep until after 3:00 AM - so of course I missed my first 2 alarms. This lead to skipping breakfast and power walking to the bus stop. I finally got to meet my new psychiatrist. (Not to be confused with my therapist!) 

I can't decide how I felt about him as a whole. I'm trying to reserve judgement as it was our first encounter. However, something he said in the session bothers me. "The diagnosis doesn't matter - what matters is the treatment." 

I know he meant he was treating my symptoms - but it also felt like I was being dismissed because to me the diagnosis matters. Of course it matters when you realize the stigmas attached. The fact is because someone screams Bipolar in earlier years you just want to go along with it instead of checking. "It doesn't matter what you know, it matters what we do." Um...what I do is based on what I know. Thus, it does in fact matter. 

My family has a huge history of ADHD with Depression - which can read as Bipolar if you aren't paying close attention - and I feel this is more accurate. The mood swings I had, which could have pointed towards Bipolar Disorder, have largely dissipated without medications. I don't have swings half as bad as I did when I hit puberty. I haven't had a real swing in over a decade. 

I'm irritable all the time, yes - but I don't black out anymore. I don' physically - or verbally - attack anyone. 

I fidget, my mind races, I am constantly attempting to rewrite my mind to be more positive. Slowing down, however, is not an option. So I have a motor mouth that is almost, but not quite, as quick as my thoughts - why is that bad?

I have such over-the-top anxiety it sometimes acts as a leash. I have a specific place for everything - which gets mistaken as OCD by the "normal" people. I don't spend too much money because I'm terrified of being homeless again. (Although it would be far too easy for me to go broke if I'm in a good mood. Today proved that I am not always of the Self Control I strive for.) 

My anxiety isn't just social, mind you. I also tend to Catastrophize in my head. (Catastrophizing is expecting the worst, and then making it even worse with an impossible scenario - to be overly simplistic about it. Example: *Tony lost her house and kid because I didn't mail her a birthday card.* See? Ridiculous/Impossible/Extreme...) 

I can't learn to drive because I keep subconsciously referring to automobiles as "2 ton death machines" - not exactly a cheery notion. 

I'm tired of feeling dismissed like I don't know who I am. The one thing I've always known for sure is who I am. 

I hope you are all feeling loved and happy.

Thanks for reading. 

When People Think I'm Fine... [submission by A.B.M.]

 November 29th, 2021

I hold a pen above the paper, confounded by the lack of creativity stemming from my mind. Every thought and feeling has become so censored, it is as though I've become numb. Like a limb has lost circulation, and you feel cut off from everything out of nowhere... I watch the sun reflect off the metal clip on my pen, staring absurdly at the light rainbow which appears on the wall and paper. I look around, a stranger amongst odd surroundings. Will I ever get my footing in this world? Is there really a point?

-Alanda. 

A Happy New Year Introspective for 2022

 While it is already a new year in some parts of the world, here we still have a couple hours left of 2021 to get through. Some of us are eagerly anticipating The Ball Dropping at midnight, getting drunk with loved ones, and maybe even a hookup or two. Others are at home with their families and writing Resolutions they may, or most likely won't, keep the oncoming year. Then, however, there are the few making new traditions and just trying to keep a brave face as new challenges arrive on their proverbial doorstep. 

"My only resolution is to not make resolutions." says *J.* on her daughter's Facebook post. Meanwhile, said daughter simply intends to "have a beer and play video games tonight" while reacting to the comments incoming from her friends and family. 

"I ended up giving my mother a manicure and a pedicure. Then, somehow, my youngest roped me into giving him a mani-pedi as well. Finally, I broke down and gave myself a manicure and brushed my hair. Sometimes the best way to bring in the Scary-as-Freight-Trains New Year is to just do self-maintenance and drink some lemonade!" stated Alanda McRae emphatically. 

So while some of us are making Resolutions not to eat fatty food or to exercise more, the rest of us are just trying to have a good time and take care to feel better in the New Year. 

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year as we enter 2022 here at B&B Blog.

Self Motivation- By Melanie Peine

 Three things I did yesterday to bring me closer to my dream were checking my Facebook, forcing myself to paint - even though I didn't feel like it, and setting that timer!

Checking my Facebook helps nudge me on track because I am friends with someone that does a drawing every single day. Seeing their posts reminds me it's time to get to work. 

I am trying to make a routine of drawing or painting everyday. Some days I don't feel like it. Yesterday, I forced my butt off the proverbial couch and got to work. 

I set a timer to paint by. Sometimes, if you are really having a hard time getting motivated, a timer is the way to go.