It's Native American History Month and Thanksgiving is on its way. Here's hoping we're all respectful of our indigenous brethren - as we should be all year. I'm grateful for my family and friends being in my life, but sometimes I'm just grateful for a moment of silence. What are you grateful for this year?
Floating and I can't come down.
Smiling to hide my frown.
A control freak losing hold of my tether.
Waiting for the sun to shine down in stormy weather.
Losing all my feathers as I fly,
drowning the world as a I cry.
Twisted up in the possibilities
as I lose touch with multiple realities.
Rocking side to side,
lost in a train of thoughts.
These feelings are bona fide.
In a web of them, I'm caught.
Like my body and mind
speaking different languages and can't communicate.
Hoping to soon find
help with this string of Fate.
Earthquake of emotions bringing me down.
Waterfalls of ideas but I don't make a sound.
As I swipe away these tears I've cried,
I remember these are just the secrets I hide...
~A.~
Today was a long day. I didn't get to sleep until after 3:00 AM - so of course I missed my first 2 alarms. This lead to skipping breakfast and power walking to the bus stop. I finally got to meet my new psychiatrist. (Not to be confused with my therapist!)
I can't decide how I felt about him as a whole. I'm trying to reserve judgement as it was our first encounter. However, something he said in the session bothers me. "The diagnosis doesn't matter - what matters is the treatment."
I know he meant he was treating my symptoms - but it also felt like I was being dismissed because to me the diagnosis matters. Of course it matters when you realize the stigmas attached. The fact is because someone screams Bipolar in earlier years you just want to go along with it instead of checking. "It doesn't matter what you know, it matters what we do." Um...what I do is based on what I know. Thus, it does in fact matter.
My family has a huge history of ADHD with Depression - which can read as Bipolar if you aren't paying close attention - and I feel this is more accurate. The mood swings I had, which could have pointed towards Bipolar Disorder, have largely dissipated without medications. I don't have swings half as bad as I did when I hit puberty. I haven't had a real swing in over a decade.
I'm irritable all the time, yes - but I don't black out anymore. I don' physically - or verbally - attack anyone.
I fidget, my mind races, I am constantly attempting to rewrite my mind to be more positive. Slowing down, however, is not an option. So I have a motor mouth that is almost, but not quite, as quick as my thoughts - why is that bad?
I have such over-the-top anxiety it sometimes acts as a leash. I have a specific place for everything - which gets mistaken as OCD by the "normal" people. I don't spend too much money because I'm terrified of being homeless again. (Although it would be far too easy for me to go broke if I'm in a good mood. Today proved that I am not always of the Self Control I strive for.)
My anxiety isn't just social, mind you. I also tend to Catastrophize in my head. (Catastrophizing is expecting the worst, and then making it even worse with an impossible scenario - to be overly simplistic about it. Example: *Tony lost her house and kid because I didn't mail her a birthday card.* See? Ridiculous/Impossible/Extreme...)
I can't learn to drive because I keep subconsciously referring to automobiles as "2 ton death machines" - not exactly a cheery notion.
I'm tired of feeling dismissed like I don't know who I am. The one thing I've always known for sure is who I am.
I hope you are all feeling loved and happy.
Thanks for reading.
2nd - Athena K.
6th - Jon M. / Jennifer S.
7th - Oscar T.
9th- Shannon R.
12th- Sharon S.
16th - Brenda W.
17th - Thomas (TJ) N. / Jayla P.
19th- Karen H.
21st - Kristen D.
22nd - Alisha H. / Nitia G.
23rd - Dawn G.
29th - Sharon F.
30th - Erika S.
